Mahal kita, kahit na... Lessons on Love and Discipline

R's Artwork of Mama and Papa

How many times have we heard, "Walang kapantay ang pagmamahal ng isang magulang sa kanyang anak."? In one of my conversations with R, my eldest, I realized something that isn't always verbalized, "Walang kapantay ang pagmamahal ng anak sa kanyang magulang."

Our exchanges went something like this...

Mama: Alam mo, namimiss na kita.  Mahal na mahal talaga kita e... (Then jokingly, I followed up with...) Kahit na matigas ang ulo mo.  Nagda-drama ka tuwing umaga.  Ayaw mong sumunod sa akin.  Lagi kang nagwe-wait a minute... Ako, mahal mo ba ako?
R:  Opo.
Mama:  Kahit na ano?...
R:  Uhmmm... Kahit na... Hindi ka sumusunod sa akin... Pinapaiyak mo ako... Pinapatulog mo ako sa kabilang kwarto... saka kahit na kinukulong mo ako... Mahal pa din kita.
Mama:  I love you R.
R:  I love you, Mama.

Honestly, I was dumbfounded.  I realized that my daughter's litany sounded like she endured more pain for me than I did for her. Maybe she did.  But I wouldn't change a single thing that I did to discipline her.  I wouldn't even allow myself to fall into a guilt trap.  Because when I did what I did, I believe in my heart that it was the best thing to do.  Some might call it punishment.  I call it tough love.

I don't hit or spank R, but on her sporadic occasions of "nakalimot sa sarili", I gave her a dose of time out.  I asked her to step out of our room and sleep alone on the other room.  I also locked her up in the comfort room with the lights out. S is still very young but she already sampled our version of "kulong".  Punishment are not meant to right a wrong.  For me, it's a way to let our kids remember that what they did was wrong.  And I knew R would always remember that in our house, there's no room for answering back, or telling a lie, or fighting with a loved one or insisting on unreasonable wants.

Many parents may not agree with how we discipline our kids. But let me tell you, when we hear our daughter's wailing and pleading because we locked her up, our heart bleeds too.  We also need to endure the pain.  But what parents' gotta do, parents' gotta do.  We need to stand my ground.  Because we knew that to drive a point, there should be no compromise.  If we want our children to grow up to be responsible human beings, then we need to show them that there's no gray area. And we need to be consistent.  Because if we don't do it now, then we wouldn't be able to do it later.  We'd rather suffer now, because later might be too late.

For us, explanation coupled with hugs and kisses should always come after punishment.  Because at the end of the day, it's the act that we despise and not them.  And we believe that this should be communicated loud and clear.  All the time.

With our above conversation, it dawned on me, that children, no matter how young they are, are sometimes more adult than most adults.  At a very young age, they are capable of seeing through pain or hurt or disappointment. Their hearts hold much love.  And like adults, they too can take in reasons.  When they understand why they're being punished, it's easy to teach them humility, love and repentance.

I know we're just starting our journey as parents. I knew that there would be more "engkwentro" in the future.  But for the meantime, let me savor the moment... When R told me that she loved me "kahit na"... I knew that despite my imperfections and our skirmishes, she really loves me. And I think at the end of the day, this holds the most weight.