I was Robocop. (In my pains and trials, I felt God's love.)

In one of my quiet times with the Lord, I read about what God does with imperfection. Ephesians 2:10 said, "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." This compelled me to write about my own imperfection. I realized that this might help or inspire someone's life, the same way other people's story have touched mine.

Robocop 
I was 7 years old when I was diagnosed with a congenital spine defect that made my upper body lean more to the right. The doctor's solution was to put me on a back brace, which I was suppose to wear 23 hours a day.  Kids got creative when they saw my new body gear.  They called me a new name - robocop. I couldn't remember why I didn't mind. I guess I learned earlier on that other's opinion about me, wouldn't heal me.

This is the closest I can find of my first back brace. Photo Courtesy of  www.leeprosthetic.com

But the spine defect got worse.  My legs would get numb and I would have cramps even in the middle of the night.  I would cry myself to sleep.  Or sometimes, I would even ask Tatay to step on my thighs because the pressure makes everything less painful.  

My weekends would be spent going to hospitals for x-rays, for checkups, for doctor's consultations, for church visits, for faith healing sessions. Then one Saturday, I remember, a doctor sat in front of me, held out a white model spine and told me that my fifth lumbar spine doesn't have a supporting bone. She explained that it caused my nerves to be constricted, resulting to cramps and numbness in my legs and thighs. And she mentioned that if I didn't get operated on, it would go worse. I was 9 years old.

The doctor said that since my fifth lumbar lacks the bone to support it, they would graft a bone from my pelvic then place it on the 5th lumbar and hopefully, it will fuse to permanently support the bone. When this happens, the pain I was experiencing would eventually go away.

Operation Day
My parents told me that the operation would happen right after school ended. The D-day was the summer of 1987. I just turned 10. I didn't ask questions. I trusted my parents because I knew that they were looking out for me.  They told me that we sought second, third, fourth opinions.  All of them said that surgery would need to be performed.  They just decided to go for my surgeon because he said that I can go back to school right after.  In contrast with the others, who mentioned that I would need to take a break from school to give myself time to heal.

Before we left for the hospital, all my friends were outside our house waiting for me and bidding me goodbye and good luck.  When we checked in the hospital, my mom was with me.  We were given a room and preliminary procedures were done.  Then a nurse told me that she would give me a shot. Then I dosed off.  I realized I was being wheeled out of the room when my father, held my head and kissed me on the cheek. Then I caught a glimpse of my mom, her cheeks still wet from tears, holding a rosary and prayer book.

I was lying on a stretcher and the white hospital walls were passing me by.  Then the operating doors opened. Then they transferred me to the operating table. I looked up and the lights were all on. It was like watching a movie.

Then when I woke up, I was in my room.  It was after 12 hours.  The pain was unforgettable. And they're just cleaning my would.  But the worse part was, they had to put me on a catheter because I couldn't pee.  It was so painful.  I remember, I was crying so loud that doctors would sing for me so they can distract me from the pain.

After some days, the pain lessened.  Then they wheeled me to rehab so I can learn to walk again.  They would put a strap around my waist, hold me at the back, let me hold on to a railing, then made we walk on my own.

After 11 days, we went home.  But I still couldn't pee and poop on my own. But I learned to cope. I guess, I was bound for that kind of life. 

Robocop Once More

I was again put on a brace.  Once more, I was a robocop. And unlike the first time where they just made measurements to fit my brace, this time, I would now need to sit on and hang on to steel bars for an hour while my upper body is put on a cast.  I needed to have the perfect body brace. 

This was exactly how my 2nd brace looked like. Photo courtesy of  www.leeprosthetic.com

I wore the brace until I was third year high school. I remember I asked the doctor if can ever bear a child and he replied probably not. At that time, it didn't matter.

Up to this day I still bear the brunt of that operation. Although I have coped considerably well, I still couldn't pee and poop like a normal person, like how I was before I had the operation. I wear pads everyday since I was 10. I can't pee without straining. I get accidents when my stomach runs amok. I leak when I run faster than I should.  

One doctor explained that probably, something happened during the operation that affected the nerves of my excretory system. He mentioned that the said nerves where protected inside the 5th lumbar spine. They recommended another operation.  But, I wouldn't have it.  I'm adjusted to this kind of life.  This is my new normal.

I remember as a kid, I love reading about people's bravery against adversity. Stories about how people saw the blessings in their lives despite sickness and misfortune, touched me the most. Abraham Lincoln, Nick Vujicic, May Lemke are just some of my heroes. I didn't know how I developed it but it was in my sickness that I felt God's love. My mindset was, I am special. The Lord must have loved me so much that he made me tougher, because he willed it that I would need to do things harder. 

Robocop No More
Today, I'm brace-free.  I still have scoliosis (29 degrees thoracic and 9 degrees lumbar) but it doesn't bother me.  Somebody married me even if I told him earlier on that we probably wouldn't have kids of our own.  And guess what, the Lord has given us the Rainbow Sisters.  And I must say, I never imagined that  life can be this good. And we owe it all to the Lord.

My Prayer

Dear Lord, 

You have made me the person that I am because you wanted me to be who I am. To you, I am perfect. May I always see the beauty that you have given me.  And may I use all your gifts to create something beautiful for your kingdom.  May I use all of me - even every hurt, every pain, every imperfection to give you glory.  May the life you've given me inspire others to see your goodness and your unending grace. 

Amen.

For you who's currently faced with trials and difficulties, don't be afraid, don't lose heart. You are being fashioned for something good, something beautiful. May you see the goodness in everything that is happening in your life. God bless you.